User talk:Bennings
RE: It's a bit of both, there were a few grammatical issues and it really isn't advisable for someone to completely re-write a story and post it as it can cause conflicts. A major issue was the story itself. It built-up the scene and gave backstory, but there was little to no payoff and that just resulted in it being fairly generic. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:57, October 3, 2015 (UTC) JtK: Personal Judging Results As the Top 5 for the JtK Contest you entered were announced, you may have been wondering as to why your story did not quite make it into the poll. While I cannot speak on the behalf of the other judges, I can show you some of my short, personal notes that I took for each story. They are as follows: New, more creative approach (the disabled kid being in the group was interesting, although it could have been developed better and explored) pays off. The story actually twists the bullies to make them actually more sympathetic, which therefore makes them less cliché and much improved. Could have been written a lot better and been overall smoother in terms of pacing. Hope this helps. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 22:14, November 21, 2015 (UTC) Re: I think the fighting segments were rushed and not particularly detailed enough. For example: Liu jumped up and kicked Randall straight in the shin; Randall unleashed a flurry of punches onto Liu’s face and floored him. Blood tricked from his nose. Randall raised his foot for a kick, but before he could act on it, the skinny kid grabbed him from behind. I think the second fighting piece does it better (probably purposefully, as it feels more justified and bigger since the "battle" is on greater stakes), but here, it feels very rushed. For example, getting kicked in the shin really hurts, but instead of describing how maybe Randall fell down or maybe some of the movements that occurred, it just goes straight to Randall punching. This whole part seems rushed, and while it got better in the second segment where Keith was killed, it felt awkward here. However, the second attack (which I will now refer to as the climax so I don't keep using the word "fight") does have some weird grammar and proofreading problems. One section reads: “You killed Keith.” Randall said it almost calmly. '' He gave him a shove Liu felt backwards, arms flailing; the spear he had planted so proudly earlier marked his landing... The spacing and formatting of "He gave him a shove" makes no sense (as it didn't have to be on a separate line from the rest, but that was so minor I didn't take off any points for that) and isn't properly punctuated at the end. Also, the line itself feels very basic and simple. It could have been expanded or at least have used stronger word choice. Not too much later, you write: ''Jeff simply stared at his brother. Here, you saw that he did not look scared. He looked peaceful. It makes no sense to use the word "you" in this story. Do not refer to the reader unless it is specifically a narrator speaking to the reader directly. Since none of the rest of the story has done this, it makes this line out of place and awkward. I feel some of your similes could have been stronger as well. Some of them were great, such as this one: It was as if he was on the centre of the sun; an all-consuming, eternal heat that would never diminish. This one works well because it explains the simile and adds description to make the reader feel the emotion better. However, another one earlier reads: Panic hit him like a train. It feels very simple and non-descriptive. What do you mean by this? Do you mean that trains are incredibly fast? Particularly fearful? Painful? Details would add a bit to clarify these things. In conclusion, I think that just more worthwhile descriptions and elaboration that adds to the main story would have been a very good aid to the story in terms of general writing. It would have also fixed some of the pacing issues, as I felt the confrontations with the bullies went by a bit too fast and was sort of just summarized. Anyway, I wish you luck on your future writing. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:40, December 12, 2015 (UTC)